A Tiny Guide to How Lili's Lair Reviews Movies

This is going to be simple my fiendish Minions. Here's how I rate, instead of stars, a movie gets skulls - from 0-5:

0 - I'd rather slit me own wrists and watch meself bleed to death than watch this tripe.

1/2- Not worth me spit. (For every extra half, add some watchability spit.)

1- Bad but okay for background noise whilst committing homicide.

2- Watchable IF your choices are watching the movie or shagging a shoggoth.

3- Good and definitely watchable. Self mutilation and homicide not required.

4- Very, Very,Very Good. Invite your fellow fiends over, have a few pints, and steal movie ideas for doing bad things.

5- BLOODY BRILLIANT!!! No other comment needs to made here, except this: I'm from Ireland and nothing is EVER this good except a pint and a Jameson. Perhaps a shag, but never anything else.

Here is what you won't get (most of the time, anyway):

* I don't give spoilers!

* I do not give blow-by-blow commentary on scenes.

* I will not tell you all the cool and spooky bits that happen in the movie.

* And... I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER give away an ending. NOT EVER!!!

Here is what you will get though:

* Was the movie watchable? Or is your time better spent spitting on strangers?

* Was the cinematography crap? Meaning: was the movie too dark? Was the editing too disjointed? Did it have a good flow?

* Is the story good? Or does it seem like a two year old wrote it?

* Did the actors do at least a decent job? Or did they suck and make you want to chop off their heads just to make them stop talking?

* How were the special effects? Was the gore believable? Or did the blood look like stolen packets of Micky D's ketchup?

* I throw in a few memorable quotes or will mention scenes if there are any worth citing or mentioning.

That is about it. You see, I'm not one of those reviewers/critics that has to pick a movie apart bit by bit. I am also not the kind of reviewer to "ASSume" that potential movie goers are a bunch of mindless twits who need someone to tell them whether or not they should watch a movie. (Hey, make up your own bleedin' minds.)

Lastly, I love indie horror films, and I can almost always find some redeeming quality about a film. So if you see me give a rating of below a 3 it means I want to find the film maker and or anyone else involved with the film and cut off their hands and pluck out their eyes so they can never make another movie as long as they live!

The bottom line is this: If you want a blow-by-blow account of a movie, or you just want someone to tell you which movies to see, then Lili's Lair isn't the place to get your reviews - so go read some fluff...